Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

The French word for sex is croissant.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit