Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

The only good comments section online is on recipes

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.