Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months