Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.