Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.