Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Looking at you, Jesus.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

🤣🤣🤣

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.