Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

ㅤ

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

how long have you had this for?

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”