Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?