Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes? I’m slipping

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Most Common Source of Electricity

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident