Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
is he marrying that labradoodle
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion