Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I have many caverns
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.