Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

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If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.

I like puppies


My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.


Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you


Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”



*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.


um, fish


why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs


I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.


hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.