If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.
I like puppies
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
Do you like vampires?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.