@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

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@AnOrangeSNES

If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.

I like puppies

@thecrabbyhook

My daughter wants to know when the hamster we “planted” in the garden will start growing.

@Bob_Janke

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@3sunzzz

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@jjhartinger

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.