Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
