Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.