Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok