Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

The “baby” on the left….

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.