Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Most fashion shows these days…
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.