Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.