Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
I have no passwords left in me