Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

When ur friends with white people

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Fight

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

goldfish mafia

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.