Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Bed should get ready for ME

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life