Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

I saw nothing

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much