Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵

Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok