REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please