Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Twitter remains undefeated

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no