Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.