Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

why neck hurt

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.