Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie