Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!