Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
You Might Also Like
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*pokes sex life with a stick
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.