REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.