Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@Mr_Kapowski

Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@SortaBad

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@omgthatspunny

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

@OrangeFact

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

@Darlainky

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY