REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Real bees work best
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.