Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

(Jupiter –

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult