Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

technically true but not a great slogan

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.