Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough