Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.

I call it Spock and Aww.

Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.