Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Always a housemaid, never a house.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

2 years later

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien