Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

Just got to our Airbnb!

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]