Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Nothing.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Poetry is my passion
Beware of fowl play.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.