Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
scrabbled eggs
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there