Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on