Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

Good advice.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.