*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
How animals would run if they were human
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
As per my last nervous breakdown
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut