*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.