Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.