Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

If a roomba and a swiffer had a baby, my goodness wouldn’t the house be clean.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

cat vs inanimate object

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.