Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math