Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.