Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Forever 21… pounds overweight
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.