Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.