Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I love this❤️😁👍
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.