Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”

Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Meow

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.