Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“Why you watching this shit?”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.