Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
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What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
This headline is a thing of beauty
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl