Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”