Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!