Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

guilty

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

motivation

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

How to make infinite energy.