Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good