Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not