Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

everyone’s a critic

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.