Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail

–the invention of zebras

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

My coworker told me I smelled good but immediately followed up with “you smell like my grandma” so I’m never using this rose oil shampoo again absolutely devastating

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”