Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?