Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle


I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.


my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples


10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny


I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.


Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.


History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud


In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me