Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Make new friends? bro out of what?

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??