Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
this country is so goddamn polarized