REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
