Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

When you’re Kinky but poor

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.