Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

“you recording!?”

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup