Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

Introverted vegans go meetless

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.