Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You Might Also Like
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon