reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Netflix: We have Less
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
