reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I am absolutely never leaving this website
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
