reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
The Others (2001)
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I am having an out of money experience.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?