Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I really had high hopes for this year though

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework