Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

A roof is a house hat.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

His flabber was gasted 😂

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.