Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes![]()
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.