Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
we’re gonna need another temp
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*